Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Beast Inside

Ive had people ask me what its like to suffer from depression.  This has never been an easy question to answer.  Unless the one asking has a frame of reference it is very difficult to really understand.

I was diagnosed with chemical depression when I was 14 years old.  I started my journey along the path of antidepressants at that time.  I spent most of my 20s going off and on my medication and paying for that inconsistency with a life full of extreme emotional swings. Towards the end of my twenties I started seeking counseling to help me with some childhood issues.  It was during these sessions that I learned more about my diagnosis.  My counselor explained to me that my chemical imbalance was to be treated like an insulin deficiency and that I had a responsibility to take my medication daily. 

Over the course of the last 7 years I have found the exact dosage and medication type that works best for me.  The medication that I take currently is Zoloft.  I used to be on two different medications but was switched to Zoloft to try and help combat my anxiety disorder as well.  The results have been fantastic for my daily mood stabilization. 
What is important to know, especially if you are not one of the 121 million people who have some form of depression, is that even with medication the beat as I call it, can rear its ugly head.

My beast has been raging an assault these last 5 days.  I have felt my sanity slipping at times and have succumbed to a murky fog that has chained me to my own emotional prison.  I am trapped inside my own pain and can see the beast attacking.  I am a rational person and I know that I have to fight.  But how does one fight when then the fog and the murk become too thick? 

I sometimes liken depression to swimming through a huge pool of jello.  You cant drown in it but you have to work harder than you can ever imagine making it to the other side.  Thats where I am right now.  I am in an endless pool of jello, slowly fighting my way to the edge. 

Some wonder why, even with medication, the beast appears.  I dont have an answer for that.  But I know from experience that without the medication the battle is a hopeless cause.   

1 comment:

jewels said...

I am so sorry my sweet friend. I totally understand and I am so sorry you are going through this. Know I care and if you ever need to talk I am here.