Pammy Loves...

The Beast Inside

2012-02-16T04:26:00.000-08:00

I’ve had people ask me what it’s like to suffer fromdepression. This has never been aneasy question to answer. Unlessthe one asking has a frame of reference it is very difficult to really understand.

I was diagnosed with chemical depression when Iwas 14 years old. I started myjourney along the path of antidepressants at that time. I spent most of my 20’s going off and on mymedication and paying for that inconsistency with a life full of extremeemotional swings. Towards the end of my twenties I started seeking counselingto help me with some childhood issues. It was during these sessions that I learned more about mydiagnosis. My counselor explainedto me that my chemical imbalance was to be treated like an insulin deficiencyand that I had a responsibility to take my medication daily.

Over the course of the last 7 years Ihave found the exact dosage and medication type that works best for me. The medication that I take currently isZoloft. I used to be on twodifferent medications but was switched to Zoloft to try and help combat myanxiety disorder as well. Theresults have been fantastic for my daily mood stabilization.

What is important to know, especially if you arenot one of the 121 million people who have some form of depression, is thateven with medication the “beat” as I call it, canrear its ugly head.

My beast has been raging an assault these last 5days. I have felt my sanityslipping at times and have succumbed to a murky fog that has chained me to myown emotional prison. I am trappedinside my own pain and can see the beast attacking. I am a rational person and I know that I have to fight. But how does one fight when then thefog and the murk become too thick?

I sometimes liken depression to swimming througha huge pool of jello. You can’t drown in it but youhave to work harder than you can ever imagine making it to the other side. That’s where I am right now. I am in an endless pool of jello,slowly fighting my way to the edge.

Some wonder why, even with medication, the beastappears. I don’t have an answer forthat. But I know from experiencethat without the medication the battle is a hopeless cause.

LUZERN!!!

2011-11-03T06:54:00.001-07:00

This past saturday I joined my friend Felicity on a little day trip to Luzern. Luzern is located in central Switzerland. It is located on the shore of Lake Luzern and has breath-taking views of Mount Pilatus and Rigi in the Swiss Alps. The city itself is beautiful and a must see for anyone who visits here.

You can barely see the Alps because it was a bit overcast.

The old part of town is so beautiful and we walked around for several hours. The only trouble was that we went on a Sunday so everything was closed. I saw some great things I would have loved to buy.

This ivy took my breath away. It was so beautiful and on top of the house it looks as if they have an amazing roof garden.

Some of these buildings date back 300 years.

That says that Von Goethe lodged here. So cool.

This is the Kapellbrücke (Chapel Bridge). This wooden bridge was first erected in the 14th century. It's really very beautiful!!

My favorite part of my visit to Luzern was to see this amazing sculpture again. It's hard to comprehend from the pictures how large it is. The Löwendenkmal (Lion of Lucerne) is a sculpture that commemorates the Swiss Guards who were massacred in 1772 during the French Revolution.

One thing I didn't know is that Mark Wain praised the sculpture as "the most mournful and moving piece of stone in the world."

I would have to agree!!!

It was a fabulous day and after our walk around town we went and had lunch at Hotel Des Alpes Restaurant. It was delicious!

Swiss Adventures

2011-10-10T03:15:00.000-07:00

Life has finally calmed to a steady pace and the daily routines are set. The whirlwind has settled and I am finding time to sit and reflect on my brand new life. I can report that...I LOVE MY LIFE!!!

Simone in front of Louis Heaven!!

I arrived in Switzerland at the end of July and had two wonderful weeks with my mom and Simone. We even took a little trip to Paris to celebrate Simone's birthday in style. My impression of Paris was very mixed. The history and the beauty of the tourist attractions in Paris are undeniable. I did, however, get the impression that with all the attention and money spent on the maintenance of such historical monuments, little was left for the everyday clean up that should be taking place. It was an experience in beauty and ugliness all at once. I think the few days I had spent in Switzerland before I got to Paris had already upped the ante so to speak. The first thing you might notice about Switzerland is the incredible cleanliness. Much time and money is spent making everything nice and clean. Aside from the lack of garbage cans I found Paris to be enchanting, full of history and Louis Vuitton. Any city with a Louis heaven is alright by me.
Even if Simone and I were kindly asked not to touch the merchandise and were followed around like a couple of burglars. =0)

My second home for the first month. =0)

After coming back from Paris we busied ourselves with the task of moving into the apartment. So much had to be done and it included lots and lots of shopping. I was so grateful to have Mom here to help me. I was so fortunate to have Aunts and Uncles that had lots of things to give me. I had a pretty well stocked kitchen after just a few days. I inherited beautiful dishes and vases and pots and pans. And the best part was that none had been used. It was like Christmas in August! A few days later I went to the airport with Mom and Simone and said goodbye. It was a difficult goodbye and there were lots of tears. My sweet Simone had written me a wonderful goodbye letter and I just wanted to hold her a little while longer.

Being on my own has its tough moments but I feel close to my family even if we are thousands of miles apart. The most difficult part is not being there when the girls need me. I have been so blessed to have these amazing girls in my life and I love them more than they could ever know.

So time marches on and it's been almost three months here in Dübendorf. I love my job and the wonderful friends I've made. I love my apartment and feeling independent once again. There is so much to do in this little country. Way too much to feel lonely. I might be alone and I might miss my family but as Simone wrote in her letter, Life's a climb, but the view is GREAT!!

New adventures and a new blog!!!

2011-09-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

Much change has taken place once again. I moved to Switzerland, I'm teaching at an amazing school, I'm newly single and loving life!!!

I can't wait to share all of my adventures with all of you. In addition to all of this myself and my friend Amanda have created a teaching blog. I would like to make this blog all about my personal life and not about teaching. So if you are interested in reading about our teaching experiences and the contrast of our two situations then hop on over to Chalk & Slate!

Egg Literacy Centers

2011-04-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

I got this idea from several amazing teaching blogs including this one and this one.

I just bought some plastic eggs and used a sharpie to write a word on the egg.

I then laminated a list of coresponding rhyming words and cut them out. You can find the words here. (If you want to do this with your kids at home you don't need to laminate them. You could have the kids cut the words out themselves).

I used the activity today as part of the grammar rotation during centers. I had the students open the eggs and dump out the words. Then I had them stand the eggs up half-open (if that makes sense) and sort the corresponding words. Lastly I had them write all the words on a plain piece of paper. It took second graders between 10 to 20 minutes to complete one bag of eggs.

I saw some creative ideas such as using an egg carton to store the eggs but I decided on zip locks. That way I can hand each child three or four at a time and it's all self contained.

Painting a Rainbow

2011-04-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

Spring is in full bloom here in Albuquerque!

Inspired by all the pollen in the air (allergies have hit hard) we did this great activity. I love to tie literacy to art projects and I have been so fortunate to have so many great ideas modeled for me in the CDP program.

This idea came from Evelyn Turney at Georgia O'Keeffe Elementary.

The Book is:

The kids really love the colors of this book and they were really inspired to draw their own flower rainbows.

Here is the wonderful art they made:

I decided to put them up in the hall for everyone to enjoy. It's like our own little garden.

*NOTICE: I have explicit permission to use the images of my students that you see in my blog.

A Little Encouragement

2011-03-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year where the atmosphere at most schools changes drastically. The students and their teachers are on edge and under a tremendous amount of pressure because of standardized tests that are being administered.

Our school is no exception and I am just so grateful that I teach 2nd grade and don't have to deal with it directly. It probably comes as no surprise that I am very much against standardized testing.

SO......

We found out (I found out) yesterday that we were buddied up with a third grade class who is taking the test this year in order to show them support during the SBA testing period. So here is what we did.

We decorated these pencil toppers and placed them inside a bucket of eggs.

Click here for template.

After we finished them we walked them over to Mrs. Chavez's class and wished them good luck on tomorrow's test.

Better Together - Fractured Picture Activity

2011-03-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

It is "Spirit Week" and we were asked to decorate our doors for the occasion.

I decided that I wanted to do a Fractured Picture which I learned about from my favorite Professor at UNM, Dr. Elizabeth Nielson.

This activity is a wonderful community building activity that illustrates the importance of each individual member of the class.

LA LUZ LEOPARDS ARE BETTER TOGETHER!

The first time Dr. Nielson did this with our CDP group she chose an illustration from a children's book. Seeing as this is spirit week I thought I should use a picture that represents our school and community.

As I was not able to find anything I had to create it myself.

Here is what I did:

I used Print Shop to piece together the picture of our school mascot and several NM items.

After the picture was done I laminated it to protect the pieces from wear and tear (This is also a great idea if you are going to re-use the pieces next year).

I then turned the picture over and divided it up into 20 sections. This would change if you had a bigger or smaller class of course. The important part is that you have one for each student.

Now you are ready to get started with the kids.

I placed all the picture pieces into a cup and had each student pick one. I also gave each student a piece of 8 1/2 x 8 1/2 square computer paper.

With Dr. Nielson we used just standard 8 1/2 x 11 but I just wanted to make it a little easier for my kids.

Ask students to turn over their picture piece and record the number that is on the back on the back of their white paper.

There are only 2 rules to this activity that you have to explain.

#1 - Only use crayons

#2 - color boldly - this keeps the consistency of the picture once it is placed back together

Students then begin to draw their piece of the picture.

As they complete their individual pieces they help to put the picture back together using

the numbers on the back of the pictures.

While I see the benefit it keeping the pieces for a future activity I decided to post mine next to our final project as a reference for students and parents.

Nine Parent Teacher Conferences in 1 hour!

2011-03-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

Much like the rest of the southwest region, Albuquerque had four snow days this school year. It was decided that instead of making up the snow days at the end of the year we would simply work on the two parent teacher conference days, the Vernal Holiday and ask the state for a pass on the fourth day. While I thought the idea was crazy and voted instead to extend the school day by 30 minutes, the rest of the city must have disagreed with me.

So, what do you do when you no longer have the time to meet with parents individually? I don't know about anyone else, but I threw a little party. I gave my parents the option of two different days and invited them to come. Today was session 1 and it was a great success. The kids and I spent the last half hour of the day cleaning the room and setting up the refreshments table. I had created a power point to share with parents what the numbers and percentages on their child's report card really means. With the help of Mrs. Salas, the bilingual teacher/saint, I was able to get some great information into my parents hands. The kids even filled out a kid friendly report card (you can find it here) and decorated the folder that their important papers were in.

After the 10 minute presentation I handed out each child's folder and walked around the room to talk to each parent. I was able to spend time with those parents that had extra questions and just touch base with those that didn't. Some parents stayed a little longer to talk to neighbors and other parents and some got on their way. All in all it went really well. Hopefully tomorrow's session will be just as successful.

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!

2011-03-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy

who'll decide where to go.” ~ Dr. Seuss

This week we learned more about our Author of the Month, Dr. Seuss. We have been reading as much Dr. Seuss as we can squeeze in around our scripted curriculum.

Thursday morning I decided that I wanted to take an hour out of our very structured day and

have a little fun. With the help of my mother and Kaye Lynn Robinson we

had Green Eggs and Ham.

Being a first year teacher I always learn so much. I think coming from a business

background I sometimes focus too much on the final

outcome and not enough on the teachable moment. So thank you to Kaye Lynn for suggesting that I let the kids watch as I turned the eggs green. It was fun to watch their eyes and see their little minds at work.

I asked the kids what flavor they thought the eggs would have. Some answers were apple, pear, lime, moldy cheese and slime.

Awesome Mrs. Robinson (Kaye Lynn) was our master chef and most of the class highly approved. In fact they have been talking about their green eggs and ham all day. My kids love Mrs. Robinson and ask about her when she misses her usual Thursday visit.

What do you think? "Yummy!" (She later changed her mind when it became apparent that the girls don't like green eggs and ham nearly as much as the boys).

* I have received permission to use images of my students on this blog.

I love surprises!

2011-02-23T21:07:00.000-08:00

This wonderful man that I'm dating, that I'm so crazy about, sent me the most wonderful belated Valentine's gift. I was so excited when I unpacked this beautiful Lagos bracelet.

I wore it to class tonight and the best part was thinking of John every time

I saw it on my wrist.

I love you John!

Best Day EVER! (in the classroom)

2011-02-22T17:11:00.001-08:00

Today was by far the best day I've had in the classroom, EVER!

Ask me why?

Okay, I'll tell you. It was the best day ever because I was 100% completely present. Now by present I mean in the moment; mentally and physically in the moment. It was so AWESOME!

So, the next time I complain about how out of control my kids are, what a bad day I'm having or how I want to throw in the towel... Remind me of this day.

My blog grows up.

2011-02-20T21:48:00.000-08:00

My blog got a make-over and grew up in the process. I'm so excited at how great it looks, thanks to Masto Mama Designs!

Oh the love!!!!!!

2011-02-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

I haven't had the best track record with Valentine's Day. I'm not one of those people who hate the holiday or think it's totally commercial and therefore unwarranted. I do agree that it's a very commercial holiday but how great is it that we have at least one day a year where we go out of our way to tell just about everyone in our lives how much we love them?

I think that's fantastic.

Being the love addict that I am (yes, I'll admit it) I have dreamt of flowers and boxes of chocolates, jewelry and grand gestures since I was a little girl. The true Valentine curse didn't strike me however until...Justin Hill!! Sophomore year, Timpview High School, I met a boy and I was never quite the same. He was of course WAY out of my league as I was nothing more than a chubby swim team nerd and he was smoking hot and played the drums in the band and had long hair. To add to his mystery he had transferred from Provo High and of course all the popular kids accepted him into their ranks.

Justin Hill, you could never just call him Justin, somehow ended up in my Math class. This is strange to me now as I was never that bright at math and he was a year ahead of me. Once Justin Hill joined my math class my grades dropped significantly as I spend my hour day dreaming and drooling over the Adonis that graced our presence. I spent countless hours writing his name and writing mine and drawing little hearts around them. Needless to say I had my first significant crush.

As February approached I began to make plans for the big love day. I was going to confess my love and I was certain that he would share my feelings and we would be together forever. Looking back I'm certain that I must have known that I was heading for heartache but I guess at that age you just have to hope. The night before the big day I drove to the store and bought several balloons, candy and a card and drove to the Hill home. I tied the balloons to his mailbox and stuck the treat inside with the card and made a hurried escape. I could barely sleep as I waited with anticipation of what would happen the next day in class.

Well...Nothing happened. Well, nothing good happened. Justin did his best to ignore me and I was certain that as soon as I walked away he was laughing and making fun of me. Needless to say I was heart broken and humiliated. I spent the next three months avoiding him and licking my wounds. Thank goodness my parents decided to move us to Albuquerque that summer and I never had to see him again.

The Justin Hill incident set a precedence for many Valentine's Days to come. It has only been in recent years that I have experienced that feeling of chocolates, flowers and such.

Today was an exceptionally good day. I feel loved and spoiled by my boyfriend, sisters (we decided to be each other's Valentine's) and my amazing students. I am truly blessed and have officially broken the curse of St. Valentine!

How time flies by...

2011-02-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

Today is the second snow day in a row and as I sat in bed (I'm literally under the weather) I thought this is a perfect time to post an update.

I had made it a New Years Resolution to be a better blogger so I think I'm doing well since it's only Feb. 2nd.

Let me just update really quickly:

- still living at home which has been an experience all of its own. I have learned to be so much more patient and to try to think before I speak. I have not moved out yet despite the fact that I have a job teaching. The problem with this is that I am a short term hire and get a pink slip at the end of the year. This of course means that I am not sure I'll be able to find another job here in Abq due to tremendous budget cuts. So I am stuck for now until I find a job next year that will be permanent. I still would love to move but teaching jobs are difficult to come by everywhere these days.

- still in school. I am finishing my last semester of graduate school and should be graduating, barring any unforeseen bad grades, this May. The entire experience of working on a masters degree and teaching my first year has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It is a constant balancing act and one thing is always lacking. While I am looking forward to May and being done I am actually considering starting my Doctorate of Education in August. Crazy I know, but exciting at the same time.

- I love teaching. I took over a 2nd grade classroom 2 weeks into the beginning of the school year. Every moment of the last 2 years has been worth it. The first year of teaching has been such an amazing experience. While I am devastated by the failure of our education system as a whole (I'm sure I'll have lots to say about this shortly), I am reminded daily of the power that learning can have on a child's self-esteem.

- My relationship. John and I are still officially together. I had considered breaking it off but have decided that standing by someone you love and care about when they are in their darkest moment is what I would want from him. While I don't think I should say too much I will say that depression is a terrible daemon to fight alone and it can rob you of your desire for living very quickly. The strange thing is that I myself suffer from depression and have been on medication for 20 years. I know what life is like when I don't take my medication and I allow that daemon to take over. But despite the fact that I am intimately acquainted with how John is feeling I still took it personal. I thought that because my love wasn't bringing him out of it that he didn't care for me. I was wrong! Now that John has agreed to take medication and start dealing with his past I know he will once again be that amazing man I fell in love with.

So that's about it. I wish I had fun and exciting hobbies to report on but really I have so little time. I will start posting some of the fun things from my classroom as that is where all my creativity is going.

I'll post some pictures as well. Just for the fun of it. Because who wants to read all that and not see pictures, right?

This is my class on Halloween. We had a party and watched "The Witches". The kids absolutely loved that book and were so excited to see the movie.
Here we are in our costumes. It was a "storybook parade" and we all had to dress up as a literary character. I of course was Pippi Longstocking!
This picture was taken at Thanksgiving. How I love my gorgeous sisters!!!

John and I this past September. I'll post a more current one when I transfer it off my iphone.

One Mother of an update!!

2010-06-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

In my last post (in Januray) I said I was going to post more often. Well that didn't happen but I do have a good excuse...full time grad school and full time student teaching!

My first semester went great. I was placed in a 2nd/3rd grade combo class and fell in love with the kids and teaching immediately. I learned much more than I ever imagined I would and I feel less prepared now to teach than I did before. There is bliss in personal ignorance. =0)

This is a picture of a "field trip" that we took with two of our professors. I have really grown to love my cohort. Each one is going to make such an incredible teacher!
This is a picture of the girls in my class. We were going to the ballet to see Cinderella so they dressed up.
MacArthur Elementary School

The spring semester ended and I had 3 weeks off before the summer semester started. I have 3 days left of summer and I am so happy it's almost over. It has been an incredible mountain of work but I am proud to say I climbed and conquered. lol

My program, which was a partnership between APS and UNM, was cancelled due to the budget crisis. I'm still trying to track down the Super Intendant's address because he deserves to be toilette papered! (That's as extreme as my terrorist tactics get) So instead of teaching my internship year this fall I'll be working part time and in school full time. The idea is that we will all be fully certified at the end of December which could pottentially offer us an opportunity to find a job in January. I'm not sure how realistic that is, but one never knows. I will be finishing my masters thesis in the Spring semester and graduate in May. I have been lucky enough to get a job working for an awesome Orthodontist in my ward so that I can make a little bit of money to supplement the stipend that was lost when our program was cancelled.

Life is wonderful!

2010-01-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

I haven't been the best blogger lately. I should give some excellent excuse but the truth is I've just been lazy and avoiding the follow up to my last post in which I declared that I was going to run a 5K. The great thing is that I truly believed it at the time and I had every intention of following through. But then I simply changed my mind. Probably because it got too hard or hurt too much to do the running that I needed to do. I realize that's not an attractive quality to posses but it's mine and Im owning it. So there...I'm a quitter.

But being a quitter isn't always a bad thing. Quitting smoking or drinking for example, that's a great thing! Maybe I need to quit quitting... Nah, that's way too complicated for me.

So not much happened in the end of 2009. I was substitute teaching and of course found out that I was admitted to the University of New Mexico for their Masters program in Elementary Education with Licenser. But other than that, nothing news worthy.

The program started Jan. 4th and I just completed the first week. The course load is heavy and the work is monumental but unlike the 5K there will be no quitting. I worked so hard to get accepted and I am certain that this is exactly where Heavenly Father wants me to be.

So I will start posting regular updates as interesting things happen. In the meantime I'll remain a committed running quitter and will continue to feel no guilt about it at all.

Run Rudolph Run

2009-09-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

Two years ago I decided to really lose weight. I have been on one diet or another for what seems like my whole life, but I had yo-yo'd myself to 245lbs. At 5'4" that was a lot of weight to carry around. Through a friend, I found a program that really worked for me and I lost 65lbs in little over 3 months. Suddenly I was 180lbs and had dropped from a size 22 to a 14. I was ecstatic and very motivated to keep going. I wanted to get down to 145 and I wasn't going to take no for an answer. I kept working the program and six months later...I was still at 180lbs. In fact, 18 months later I am still at 180lbs.

So it's time for a change! I am not focusing on the damn scale anymore and I'm going to conquer my exercises demons and run a 5K. Now I know to some of you that might seem like a stroll in the park but to a gal like me who can't run around the track without the assistance of an oxygen tank, it's a big challenge.

So how will I achieve this very crazy goal?

The Couch-to-5K Running Plan

I started this program yesterday and so far so good.

Today was my second workout in week 1. The program is 9 weeks long which gives me just enough time to prepare for the Run Rudolph Run 5K on Dec. 6th, 2009. That of course means absolutely NO EXCUSES and by blogging about it here I am hoping that you will all keep me accountable. I guess I'll be living proof if this program works.

So send me your good thoughts and prayers (yes prayers I'm going to need them), and keep checking up on me.

I'll be letting you all knowhow it's going.

A Bag of Tools

2009-08-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

Isn't it strange how princes and kings,
and clowns that caper in sawdust rings,
and common people, like you and me,
are builders for eternity?

Each is given a list of rules;
a shapeless mass; a bag of tools.
And each must fashion, ere life is flown,
A stumbling block, or a Stepping-Stone.

by R. Lee Sharpe

I first read this poem when we liven in Provo many years ago. I found it in a binder in my Dad's office that turned out to be a school project that he had made many years before. It was a binder full of poems and the very first one was A Bag of Tools. I read it several times that day and put it back in the bookshelf. As the years passed I often thought of the poems last line and tried to think of the obstacles in my life as an opportunity to grow, a chance to climb one step closer to my end goal.

A couple of days ago I was trying to re-arrange my room (Dad's office that I am currently living in) to give myself a little more room and I came across the same binder. I opened it up to the first poem and read the words again. This morning as I got up and put yesterday behind me, because believe me it was a very bad day, I realized that the hurt and pain we feel when we loose someone or they hurt us is inevitable, but the circumstances themselves are open for interpretation. I can't control the pain I feel or the loss of the relationship but I can choose to use this experience as a stepping stone. So I got dressed, ate some cereal, made some brownies to thank someone for being so kind to me and embraced the ache in my heart a little more than yesterday.

Caution!

2009-08-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

I went on a little hike this past weekend in the Sandia Mountains to get some time away from the family and to love on myself a little. It was a beautiful New Mexico day and I felt a feeling of peace come over me as soon as I stepped out on the trail. I took a backpack filled with trail mix ,water, my journal and my favorite fountain pen that my cousin Mirjam sent me from Switzerland a while back. I had this idea of finding some secluded meadow of wild flowers and spending hours writing and lounging in the warm sun and the light breeze.

The trail was filled with families, groups of cute men who I think were gay (why are the cute ones either married or gay?), hand holding couples, dogs with long panting tongues hanging from their mouths, and me. Oh and one really good looking trail runner that inspired me to be in better shape as he ran past me. The trail is 1.5 miles across the top of the mountain to the top of the tram where High Finance Restaurant is located and then the same route back. As I made it to the tram station I noticed a sign (above) placed to warn visitors that had just taken the tram up the mountain and were stepping into the wilderness for the first time. I thought to myself that I needed a sign like that in my life, a sign to caution me when I am entering hazardous terrain. And then I realized that I already have a caution sign, the Holy Ghost! He warns me of danger and of a bumpy trail a head. He cautions me to proceed carefully and to be aware of the terrain. He isn't as obvious or as brightly colored as the sign on the trail but he is always with me. My Father in Heaven knew that my road would be rough at times, that I would be traveling through mountainous terrain, and that I would need caution and guidance.

As I hiked back to the car to head home I thought about my life and all the twists and turns my road has taken the past 5 months. I thought about the unexpected place my trail had taken me and how just like my hike that day I wasn't sitting in a meadow of wild flowers but was scrambling over boulders and tree roots instead. It hasn't been an easy hike, and it's far from over, but I felt blessed that my Heavenly Father reminded me that I am not alone and that I always have His guidance and warning signs if I just pay attention.

Mothers Day, Graduation and State...GO BEARS!

2009-05-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

hApPy MoThErS dAy MoM aNd GrOsSi!!!

My Grandmother (my mothers mother) came to visit us from Australia. Having her in Albuquerque for Mother's Day was an added bonus. We all agree that she is a total blast to have around. She can make you laugh for hours!! Her heart is pure gold and we miss her already!

Christine graduated from La Cueva High School. 15 years ago I graduated from the same place. We had a wonderful time watching her and there were moments it seemed impossible that she is now 18 and a young woman.

This is often what it looks like when the four of us are together. We laugh non-stop and I can't think of a time when I have ever been happier than when I am with them.

I love this picture of Christine! I love seeing her so in love and Warrick is an incredible young man. It doesn't surprise me that her first love is such an incredible person.

State Track and Field Competition was the weekend following graduation. Christine has ran track all four years of high school and will try and run at UNM this fall. She is an incredible athlete. She had a hard time on the day of finals. It was crazy weather with wind gusts up to 40 mph. She is barely 100 lbs and running into that kind of wind was almost impossible.

Her heart was broken and she really questioned if she was any good. It was heartbreaking to see her fail at something she wanted so passionately. She wanted the state title in hurdles and on another day she might have gotten it. It was a hard lesson to learn but needed none the less. It truly is about the journey and not the destination.

She is such an inspiration to me. I strive every day to be more like her. She has a fierce determination to be the best that she can be and I want to emulate that.

Christine was the High-Point athlete for her team. She competed in 100m hurdles, 300m hurdles, triple jump. 4x100m relay, 4x400 meter relay. She has ran and jumped more events than any other girl on her team. I am so proud of her and can't wait to see what she does next.

Olivia (junior) has always been a basketball player. This year she decided to play softball and made the Varsity team. They went to State and took 3rd. We traveled to Las Cruces to see the finals and it was so great to see her play. She plays left field and couldn't possibly be any better. She made some incredible plays that went so fast I didn't even have time to watch let alone react.

She has an incredible mind for the game and I can't imagine how far she will go her senior year. She may actually get a chance to play in college.

But more than just her amazing athletic gift...she is the best person I have ever met. Her heart is un-matched. I have never heard her say a negative thing about anyone. She loves everyone she meets. She touches every person she comes in contact with. I know that she is a choice and special daughter of Heavenly Father and I know that he keeps her close to his heart. There is nothing more precious than looking at her amazing smile. I can only hope to be the amazing individual that she is. Actually, we can all only hope to be that full of love.

Happy 18th Birthday Christine!

2009-04-28T16:22:00.000-07:00

18 years ago today, a little Angel came into the world!

I still remember the moment I first laid eyes on her. She was the closest thing to Heaven I had ever seen. She was brilliant, and sparkly and more beautiful than any other baby in the world. And then she opened her mouth... (j/k wee head) She had pipes to rival the ones in the tabarnacle. I can recall one time in particular where we had to pull over on the side of the road because nobody could ignore that sound. She was a pill, but she was my best friend and she changed my life. Before this angel came to earth I didn't understand what it meant to love another person with every facet of your existence. She has been an example to me for 18 years, she has always called me out when I needed it (even at age 1) and loved me unconditionally.
So today I celebrate the past 18 years and all the love, laughter and tears of sisterhood and I look forward to another 50 on this earth together and an eternity after. Happy Brithday my beautiful, strong, courageous, free-spirited, talented, exceptional, loving, supporting, laugh-out-loud funny angel sister!

Christine's 1st Birthday

Christmas 2008

Homecoming 2008

I created...then I destroyed

2009-04-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

I started this painting with very high hopes of creating something incredible. That should have been my first clue that things weren't going to go as planned.

You might be able to tell on the right side of the painting is a can of indoor semi-gloss. I loved the consistency of the pain as it pooled onto the painting and it looked amazing...

...until it started to dry.

But i kept going hoping it would trun out okay. This was the final and it was still a little wet. So after it dried and I had crater-sized cracks in my flowers, and the black paint had run I decided to remove the black pain and see if I couldn't re-touch the white with acrylic instead.

Once I took the black off it left a very cool design. I was excited again for just a moment as I pondered ways to fix the cracks. I tried the acrylic but it just couldn't cover the damage. In one last ditch attempt I took the power sander to the painting in hopes of sanding off the excess paint and thereby eliminating my crack problem (I had a crack problem. =0)).

Sadly I have to report that the painting is now displayed at the local land-fill because no matter the effort I couldn't save my masterpiece.

Such is life... on to the next one I guess.

Finished a painting

2009-04-01T13:36:00.001-07:00

I started this painting about a month ago and I think it's finally finished. I have very mixed feelings about it. Some days I love it, other times not so much.
Christine thinks it's great so I might just have a graduation present for her after all.
For now the painting resides over the fireplace although it is really out of place there.

This is the new painting I started. =0) Hopefully it will turn into something amazing. But even if not, I get such stress relief and pleasure from painting that the rewards to me are so worth it.

Why can't I get my head around this...

2009-02-18T11:05:00.000-08:00

So Kasie showed me this video the other night and I found myself in tears by the end. I know that most of you reading this have a completely different opinion than I do about this subject but I urge you to watch this and keep an open heart. I can not, for the life of me, get my head around the hate that people have for the decision of others to simply love each other.

When I think of the mired of couples I have met in my life and the % of those couples that have endured infidelity, betrayal and even divorce, I question why it is that we as a society want to tear apart a couple that simply wants the right to be faithful, loving and committed.

I wonder if some of my friends that have cheated would take their vows so lightly if they had to fight for the right to say them in the first place.

I know that opposition to this issue is deeply rooted in the gospel. And I pray that someday Heavenly Father will help me come to terms with the church's stance on gay marriage because as my "interim" bishop pointed out the other day, there is no grey - Only black and white.
To which I explained that this was very white and black to me.

I will say that I hope and pray to the same Father that these sweet families and loving couples can have the same rights that the rest of us enjoy. May their children be protected by the same laws that protect ours and may they be entitled to the same benefits as you and I enjoy.

Anyhow...I warned you that we probably don't see eye to eye on this issue. But hopefully you will take a moment to watch anyway. And feel free to share your thoughts. I believe in the freedom of expression, even when I disagree.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Nothing but love, love, love...

2009-02-16T07:48:00.000-08:00

On Friday some of the girls from work got together to make some yummy little Candy Heart Cakes. I was inspired once again by Martha Stewart and spent all morning baking red velvet cake. It was more work than I had anticipated and next year I am buying a box cake mix. =0)

We had a great time putting the cakes together and decorating them for our special someone.

Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday and I can never get enough of all that pink and red. I had an incredible day including dinner at an unbelievable Indian Restaurant with my special love.

Stacy's niece...I think her name is Ella. She is so adorable. I wanted to play with her the whole time but was busy making frosting and directing cake decorations. Hope to play with her again soon.

Kaylen and her daughter Ali
Ashley and I and Stacy's niece

...

2009-02-16T07:42:00.001-08:00

Ashely showing her domestic skills
Kristen and Michelle working on the frosting

Vegetarian Spaetzle or Spaetzli as I call them

2009-01-31T07:21:00.000-08:00

Last night I cooked dinner for some friends and I wanted to make them something authentic Swiss and delicious. Since they were not vegetarians I made them spaetzli and cream sauce with chicken. They loved it and it was a real hit.
But I also made a vegetarian spaetzli bake for Kasie and I and it was so great I thought I would share.

I started by making spaetzli (see below if you want to see how).
I layered the spaetzli in a casserole dish and topped with steamed broccoli, sliced tomatoes, caramelized onions and topped with Gruyere cheese.

Then I baked it at 400 for 20 minutes and voila...delicious!

How to make Spaetzle

2009-01-31T06:59:00.000-08:00

Here is the recipe for Spaetzle that I use. It is from my good friend Sarah Frischknecht and it works every time.

Start by combining
2 eggs
2 cups of flouer
a sprinkle or two of nutmeg
a tsp of salt
3/4 cups milk
1/4 cup water

I just combine everything in my kitchen aid and let it do the job for me.

While doing that heat a large pot of salted water to a slow boil. Then get your spaetzle maker (this is the one that I have) and place it over the boiling pot. Take a cup full of batter and place it inside the square and move it back and forth over the pot. Repeat this a couple of times and then remove the spaetzle from the pot.
They take very little time and as soon as they float to the top they are done. I like to transfer them with a slotted spoon to a colander and let the excess water drain while I take the next batch of batter and repeat the process. They take very little time and as soon as they float to the top they are done. I like to transfer them with a slotted spoon to a colander and let the excess water drain while I take the next batch of batter and repeat the process.

This is what they look like when they are done. Try them out...they are so delicious.

Delicious and Nutritious

2009-01-24T20:41:00.000-08:00

So some of you might know that I became a vegetarian last year. In fact it's been almost 9 months now and I can honestly say that I feel better than I have ever felt. I have also just recently learned that I am allergic to soy so it has been an adventure to cook vegetarian without the aid of soy "fake" meat or products.

Last week I attempted a Vegan Lentil "meat"loaf. If it sounds disgusting...well it was! I didn't take any pictures but I should have. I did, however, help to make some incredible enchiladas (my own creation) that I would love to share with all of you.

If you are counting your calories this is a great Mexican dish you can enjoy plenty of.

Vegetable Enchiladas

1/2 sweet potato
1 small onion
3 cloves garlic
1 bag frozen corn
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can kidney beans or black beans drained and rinsed
chili powder
salt and pepper to taste
salsa
whole wheat tortillas
1 can enchilada sauce (try Trader Joe's...it's sooo good)
1 can chopped green chili (or the real thing if you are in NM)

Saute the onion, garlic and sweet potato (all three cut very small)in medium sauce pan
add diced tomatoes, beans and corn to pan. Simmer on medium heat and add chili powder and salt and pepper to taste. Cook until a thick consistency and most of the tomato juice has cooked out.

In a casserole dish prepare enchiladas with the filling. Once all the tortillas are filled top with enchilada sauce and can of green chili.

Bake at 375 for 25 minutes

Serve with fresh salsa and enjoy!

The best part...you don't need cheese or sour cream and you'll get plenty of healthy yummy veggies.

What number are you?

2009-01-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Julie for having this on her blog. I can't believe how accurate this is.

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.

You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.

Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

What Number Are You?

My Country 'Tis of Thee

2009-01-21T08:37:00.000-08:00

I have been rooted deeply in thought the last few days. I am in awe of the history that has un-folded before my eyes. I am inspired to thank the lord and to work harder yet to better this life for myself and all men alike.

I want to tie my thoughts together for you but also for myself, as a recording of a moment I will never forget!

Monday we celebrated the birthday of one of my heroes.
A man that transformed the landscape of this nation! “Through words he gave voice to the voiceless. Through deeds he gave courage to the faint of heart. By dint of vision, and determination, and most of all faith in the redeeming power of love, he endured the humiliation of arrest, the loneliness of a prison cell, the constant threats to his life, until he finally inspired a nation to transform itself, and begin to live up to the meaning of its creed.

Like Moses before him, he would never live to see the Promised Land. But from the mountain top, he pointed the way for us - a land no longer torn asunder with racial hatred and ethnic strife, a land that measured itself by how it treats the least of these, a land in which strength is defined not simply by the capacity to wage war but by the determination to forge peace - a land in which all of God's children might come together in a spirit of brotherhood”.

Yesterday was the Inauguration of President Barack Obama. I watched in silence and shed a few tears as the profound meaning started to set in. For so many, myself included, this event is the end of an era of intolerance and hate, the culmination of a movement to change the world and free a people. Many found themselves walking the same steps that Dr. King walked 40+ years ago. They found themselves gathered in the shadow of the great emancipator Abraham Lincoln and realized that their ancestors blood was not shed in vain.

On the steps of that memorial Dr. King spoke these words: “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal… I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character… This will be the day, this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning 'My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my father's died, land of the Pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring!”

Just minutes after his swearing in took place our new President spoke these words:
“On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
The time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness”.

I wish my words could be as profoundly moving and inspiring as those of both these great men, these Heroes of mine. But simply put I am grateful to be part of this time, I am grateful to see us all usher in a new era of change and most of all to see a world that has finally crested the mountain of racial intolerance and hate. What a blessing it is to be alive to see this, what a blessing for my little sisters who have the world laid out at their feet and now see that Yes they can be anything they desire to be and that the color of their skin will no longer limit their opportunities.

Full Circle

2009-01-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

I have debated with myself whether to write about this or not, but as it turns out I blog more for myself and this is big in Pam's world.
My freshman year of college, 1994, I left home for the first time and headed to Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff. For those of you who didn't know me back then (this includes me because I just recently learned who I am) I was painfully shy in most situations, had no self confidence and was certain that I would die on the spot if anyone paid any attention to me at all. The first day of classes was torture because as is common for most new situations I was asked to introduce myself to the teacher and to the class. And of course this happened in EVERY class. My heart would race, my palms would sweat and I was 100% certain that I would disintegrate into a pile of ashes the moment my name was called and all eyes shifted in my direction. I survived, obviously, but only because fate wanted to torture me another day. Well that's how I saw things back then. I made friends quickly. Although shy I was a very sweet girl that had a knack for making others feel good about themselves. And as the days and weeks went on I started to feel a little bit more at home. As the first semester gave way to a new year I found myself happy and actually dating a handsome man. I thought that I was standing at the threshold of a new life with new confidence and I was certain that I was finding myself.
What happened next took me on a completely different journey than the one I had bought a ticket for. It is still hard for me to say the word and it will be 14 years this spring. Rape - it is such a violent word and for so many years it had this cloud of shame floating all around it. In my head anyway it did. I spent years ignoring what happened because I had forgiven my rapists. I believed that if I forgave I would forget. But the truth is that I never forgave myself. In fact until recently I still believed it was my fault and so to forgive them was easy, to forgive myself took many years.
I used to be so proud of the fact that my rape didn't define me. I was proud that I had put it out of my mind as if it never happened and I was not one bit scarred by the incident. I would hear of other survivors who were never the same and who spoke of life as before and after as if two different experiences and two separate sets of rules applied. I didn't identify with that. I just thought I was over it. Even though I blamed myself I thought I was over it. But my life "after" continued on a downward spiral, I could never allow myself to succeed at anything. I was always the quickest to sabotage my own happiness. I made choices that I still don't understand and I hated myself for many years.
But now there is a new before and after. Now there is after I forgave myself. Now there is peace and hope and love.
As I get ready to head back to the place I was 14 years ago I am excited to stand at a new threshold. I look forward to walking the same sidewalks I did those few days after my rape when I carried a knife in my back pocket and was scared of my own shadow. I am finally come full circle. I have worked through the un-speak able hell that is rape and have come out the other side filled with love and forgiveness for myself!

Goodbye House...Hello Adventure

2009-01-11T14:52:00.001-08:00

I bought my house almost two years ago. It was such a great experience to find a place, to pick the lot and to watch it being built. It was brand new and smelled so great and I loved my house so very much. Times change, lives change and now I am moving on. I have applied to the MBA program at NAU in Flagstaff, Az. I will start a 10 month full time program in June (assuming I'll get in). So I had to pack up my house and move my belonging into storage. My best friend, coincidentally, put an offer on a house today and will be the new owner of my fridge and washer and dryer and couches. I am so happy for her and I know she will have as great of an experience with her first home as I did with mine.

All though it is a sad feeling to say goodbye to my sweet little home, there is an excitement to the adventures that are yet to come...

Impromptu Garage Sale

2009-01-11T14:40:00.000-08:00

As I started looking around at all the furniture I realized that I had no room for it all in storage and that come June (if I get in) I would no longer want to pay for storage at all. I realized what I needed was an impromptu garage sale. Now I don't know how silly I must have looked turning a red couch end over end out the front door and to the drive-way, but most likely just as crazy as I did dragging the desk (that thing was heavy) and the twin bed and mattress and TV out. I have never felt so empowered - women rock! I am now certain that we need no man to get the job done (except for the two day laborers I hired to load and un-load the truck).

I made a total of $45.00 and ended up giving away the couch, the desk, the baker shelf and three scooters that I had been saving for my future step children. But alas...no marriage not step kids...right? (wow that sounds much more bitter than I really am)

Birthday Weekend

2009-01-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

My birthday is Dec. 27th but I got to celebrate a little later with my best friend when we went to Flagstaff for the weekend to ski. She surprised me with a little impromptu "cake" with candles and everything. It was one of the best birthdays ever!

She got it right too...29!

We explored a little of downtown Flagstaff and had dinner at a Pizza Place. The snow and the Christmas lights still twinkling made me feel as if the whole town was celebrating with me.

The next morning...hitting the slopes.

As I was heading up the lift to run a couple of black diamonds (yes ladies and gents...this Swiss girl can ski) the weather got progressively worse. Suddenly I was in a complete white-out. I could barely see 10 feet in front of me. It got a little scary as snowboarders and skiers all tried to navigate blindly down the slopes. But the adrenaline rush made it an incredible trip down the mountain. Kasie was waiting at the bottom for me with the camera in hand. Don't I look good! lol just kidding.

cold, cold, cold...

2009-01-08T18:44:00.000-08:00

It was 24 degrees at the base and I was feeling it on my face. I must say my new jacket and ski pants (thanks mom for the birthday gift) were nice and warm but I didn't think to bring a full face mask...you know the kind that bank robbers wear?

Kasie and I having some lunch at the lodge. By this time she had hurt her knee and didn't mind sitting for a while. I, on the other hand, wanted to get on the hill.

I love this picture. I took it while we were riding on the lift.

Our view from the top of the bunny hill.

Christmas in NM

2008-12-26T18:47:00.000-08:00

I drove to Abq on Christmas Eve day. I was trying to beat the weather so I wouldn't get caught in a storm. As I passed Payson and drove north past the rim I got so excited to see the snow. I finally felt like it was Christmas.

I had to get a picture of this. How great...this is how you get exactly what you want from Santa.

Mom, Olivia and Christine

Mom and Olivia

After-math of Christmas morning.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-26T18:26:00.000-08:00

Christmas in Albuquerque is always so much fun. This year felt a little different for me. Christine is a senior and I found myself wondering where we all will be next Christmas.

Christine and I

Daddy-O - I missed it because I arrived too late but I believe he must have played a Sheppard in the Christmas Story. Great Costume!

Katherine (Simone's friend), Simone, Warrick (Christine's boyfriend) and Christine.

Battery anyone?

2008-12-07T20:52:00.000-08:00

Friday night I went to a concert with my friend Ashley. It was great and I think we all had a wonderful time. It was at Cricket Pavilion(which is outdoor) and as the night went on it started to get really cold. We rapped up in a blanket and danced around to try and keep warm. When the concert was over and Ashley and I trekked our way back to my car we discovered a dead vehicle. It wouldn't turn over at all. After a few minutes of freaking out we found a nice young man to give us a jump start. All seemed well and we thanked him and were on our way. We made it a block and the car died again. I managed to get it parked in a safe spot and a friend picked us up. Well the next day Kasie and I went back and jumped it and again it died just a few feet later. I called the tow truck and this Big guy with braids on his head and two gold "ladies" earrings in each ear showed up. Now usually when i have called for a tow they pull up and hitch it up and get on their way because, lets face it, time equals money for these guys. Well not him, he wanted details. Now listen to this ladies...apparently there is water inside a battery. Now you may already know this but I had never heard such a thing in my life. He explained that the battery had no water in the cells at all. He filled it up, jumped us and we were able to drive all the way to Sears for a new battery. Incredible! Now not all batteries require you to fill the water. Mine was a NON-self sustaining battery and therefore it required the water. I'll post a picture so you can see what I'm talking about.

Can't sleep

2008-12-03T23:08:00.001-08:00

It's just after mid-night and I can't sleep. I'm beginning to think that having the lap top in bed with me is a bad idea. But I'll try to weene myself off starting tomorrow.

I often can't find a way to shut off my brain and tonight is no exception. Even though I know that 5am will hurt like hell. Because you see I can't sleep now but I would have no problem slumbering my way into the early afternoon hours. Especially on a work day. Anyway, tonight seems worse than usual. I think that's the worste part about a failed relationship, lost friendship or broken heart. It's not the pain itself, but the self inflicted torture.

I've been thinking a lot about applying for a job in Switzerland. Could be my last opportunity to go back before marriage and kids (a girl can dream). That's what I'm telling myself but deep down I think I'm just wanting to run away from the memories and the ghosts that haunt me here in town.

Maybe this idea is something to discuss with my therapist.

Why now

2008-12-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

I have been journaling for years. Ever since I saw my Uncle Lowell do so faithfully when I was maybe 9 years old. He bought me my very first beautiful leather bound journal. It had gold lettering on the front and I loved it.
In the years since I have filled page after page of beautiful notebooks and journals. Some I have finished, others I never did before moving on to the next one. I'm not sure if I'll continue to keep a paper journal, but for now it seems I have time to do both.
I have been blogging for a while now for Chris's family. I think this will be a great way to keep in touch with my family who is settled all over the world.